Wait.....What???

Disclaimer....this post is rather lengthy....so continue if you dare.

So if you follow Dallon or I on Facebook, you might have noticed that I got a new job, (also we are pregnant, but that will be a completely different post :). Some of you might have thought, Wait....what?? Well you wouldn't be the only one that has said this the past couple of months. I just want to give an explanation to clear the air, but this has been nagging me for quite some time. I just need to get it off my chest and let it go.

So if  you didn't know, I was offered a job in April to teach at a middle school in Layton. At the time I was ecstatic, I had a job secured even before I graduated. I know that this is not always the case for most people and so I couldn't help but feel really fortunate. Summer passed by quickly and August came. The act of driving down to Layton everyday became a routine, and so did the process of my downfall.

If you didn't know already, I come from a family of teachers. It all started with my Grandpa Fisher, a standout educator that inspired many, myself included. His legacy started in a little town and still continues on as his offspring earns degree after degree in education. Growing up right next door to him, I idolized him and the way that people respected him as a person and as an educator. I wanted to influence people's lives like he had done for so many. Going through my own education, I found example after example that inspired me to earn my own degree in education. It was a long six years, but in May 2014 I completed my degree, and had a job offer secured. This was where my happily ever after would start right? I would immediately start inspiring young people in the field of Family and Consumer Science. I would feel a sense of accomplishment and prestige because I followed in my grandfather's footsteps, along with so many of my relatives.

Now I'm not saying that I didn't find certain aspects of teaching rewarding, nor that I didn't touch a handful of lives while I was at Central Davis, but my dream job was actually deteriorating my entire being. I did not set out to write this blog to say poor me, or to say look at me and my short comings/failures. I just wanted to express my feelings and let others know why I decided to step down from my position as a middle school teacher so I could gain a sense of peace.

My decision to end my teaching career early was not something I EVER planned on doing, ever. I'm not a quitter, never have been. That's just not how I was raised. Nor was I taught to give anything less than my best. The decision was a drawn out process, but the actual thought of quitting came to me on my way home from school one day in November. I was driving through Sardine Canyon and to say that I was tired would be putting it lightly. I was just about to make the second to last turn in the canyon and I nodded off to sleep. The instant I woke up, I had the odd feeling that I didn't care if I had crashed or not. Yes you read that right. I did not care either way if I had lived or died on that ride home. This feeling scared me down to my bones. Dallon didn't deserve that, my family didn't deserve that, me passing from this life to the next simply because I didn't care. I was in bad shape. Every day I dreaded going to school because of various reasons and then I dreaded going home because I had to take school work home with me because I couldn't fit in the prep time into my full teaching schedule. It was like I was drowning, literally drowning. On the weekends I would just stress about what I had to do to prepare for the upcoming week, so I didn't really have a break. I was in a constant blur of what was required of me. If I wasn't grading or planning, I was starring off into the abyss. It was a constant struggle that Dallon and I constantly talked about. We tried to brainstorm how to fix the problem, talk to my coworkers, talk to my supervisors, talk to my family members, try to cut back on everything, try to just get by, try staying down in Layton, take couple of days off, etc. It wasn't until I had this falling asleep at the wheel experience that my eyes were opened and it was like Heavenly Father was telling me to take a step back,  to evaluate what was really important, and then make a decision.

Dallon, bless his heart was so very loving and comforting throughout this entire ordeal. He would just hold me when I would cry, cry for feeling like a failure, cry for feeling like I was letting down my entire family, cry for feeling like I was letting down each and every one of my students, cry for spending my entire life preparing for my dream  job, getting said dream job, and then quitting 1/3 of the way through the school year. Every morning I would pass on looking at myself in the mirror because I just couldn't face the fact that I was a quitter. I couldn't bring myself to stop teaching because we needed food to eat, we needed a place to live, and I did not want to be the reason that Dallon had to take a break from school because he is so close to finishing, etc. But after having this epiphany in the middle of Sardine Canyon, I decided that we needed to make a change, and rely on the Lord for the rest.

I put my 2 weeks notice in with my principal the week before Thanksgiving break and from that moment on, I felt 100 times better. I know that this sense of peace came from my Father in Heaven telling me that everything would be just fine. My principal was very gracious about the entire ordeal, as well as the Central Davis staff, and that made things a lot easier. Telling my students the following days that I wouldn't be returning after the break was one of THE hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life. I had to get up in front of them and tell them that I was failing them as a teacher and that they deserved someone who could give them their best work, and that just couldn't be me anymore. I decided that I needed to be honest and tell them I was suffering from depression/anxiety. I told them I was going to take some time off of teaching so I could get myself better. Being around teenagers all week long, I knew that I had to be honest with them. They deserved the truth. I just spoke of my difficulties and that if anyone was feeling similarly, that it was okay. That they too can stop and evaluate their lives to see if they need to make any changes in their lives for their well being.  A handful of students came up afterwards and thanked me for being honest with them and for admitting to feeling depressed and dealing with anxiety because they too feel similar feelings.It was actually a great teaching moment to me and I hope that they will continue to be honest with themselves and seek the help they need.

After having broken the news to my 200+ students, I received numerous cards, notes, emails, from students, faculty members, and parents. I felt such a sense of peace to witness that I hadn't entirely let down all of my students in the few short months that I was at Central Davis. I wrote sub lesson plans until they were able to find a replacement, to help make the transition easier. When I traveled down one last time to tie up loose ends, if felt as though I was in a dream. It didn't seem real. I was walking away from a great job, a great faculty, great student body, great community, however, it just wasn't great for me at this point in my life. It would be a great opportunity for someone else (they actually hired a fellow classmate from Utah State, so I know my students will be in great hands). And that is how I took a step back and made a change in my career, a change for the better.